Knowledge worth having

Legend has it that there are people among-st us blessed with extraordinary skills..The kind of skills that stupefy the wise,that cause women to run through the streets singing our names and throwing pieces of clothing at us, the kind of grit and panache that causes girls to weep and little children to mimic our every move(Think Michael Jackson circa 1989).These were the dragon slayers, the innovators, the champions of wars..Now a new skill set is required for these dangerous times

When moments of trial come upon us without warning, and only the well prepared, the mentally equipped and those possessing the moral fiber to do the right thing,can truly step up and be heroes..Those who have taken the time to acquire the skills...what follows is a brief intro into the skills of which legend speaks,those that can stave off the most dreaded of things...the Social death!!!!!

• Ability to recover from a badly told joke.

Scenario. Someone says something funny, a few laughs; another person adds to it and a few tears begin forming in the eyes of the people around, and as more people chip in,the jokes keep getting funnier and funnier..THEN, you decide to chip in...and nothing. Excruciating silence..followed by someone yelling, "What?" or Huh?"...A true man knows he has only 8 seconds in which to recover. He must quickly do one of 2 things..feign holier than though,smarter than thine intelligence, and make that the infidels around him lack the intellectual grit to appreciate his humor. OR he can just take it like a man..and be treated like a leper of un-funniness for the rest of the day

• Know the exact meaning of irony. There's a stark difference between irony and sarcasm. Telling someone who's getting fat that they look great is sarcasm,Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calling Gadhaffi's actions against his people appalling?...that is Iran perfecting the weapon of irony. Irony is saying something and not having to add LOL so people know you're joking...Now go forth and be wickedly funny (LMAO)

• Know how to eat a burger in public. Stick a toothpick in it and go to town on it...anything that crumbles off..let it go..when she's not looking, then you can pick it up and enjoy

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• Know how to recount a story. Nothing's worse than a series of" Uhhmss" and "ahhs"..along with no wait, it was Tuesday..or was it Wednesday. No one cares..get to the darn point lest you become that silly person mentioned in #1

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• Know how to get the armrest when sitting in the middle aisle.  The general rule is that people should lean to whichever side the aisle is on.However some neanderthals are unaware of this and you may be boxed in with these people resting their arms on opposite ends of you.Instead of fighting and silently having an elbow fight with a stranger for the rest, simply become creepy and say hey in your most joyful voice. Show extreme excitement for whatever it is you've gone to see...most likely  you'll be left with a seat free on either side of you before all is said and done.

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•  Know how to make a great speech. First of all, no speech over 5 minutes long is going to get any better. Be yourself, and never start off with a quick joke, a good build up is necessary, and then boom, Joke, then something serious, something insightful, end with joke

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• Know how to end a casual chat . You are walking down the street and run into a an exceptionally talkative acquaintance and you see him stop and prepare for a long drawn out chat..you have no time to exchange platitudes and observations on the weather or how much they have grown. So a man must be skilled int eh art of timing a handshake,while giving the impression that he is rushing somewhere. Same for the phone

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• Know when she's going to say no. We've all taken the plunge and found no water in the pool.It's a rite of passage, but after awhile it just becomes sad and pathetic. So next time you think you've got some thing going for you, and yo just about to take that chance.You need to understand the code words and these are......Does she say yo cute or handsome? Handsome means you're in, cute just means you remind her of the the first puppy she had. Does she laugh at your jokes or say, "that's funny"?Does she let you see her on a bad hair day, or when it looks like she had her nails in a lawn mower?Does she tell you her fake stuff...sorry mate, she's going to say no...and then give you the line that will make your skin crawl..yo like a brother to me. Incestuous feelings always kill the mood.