7 topics over 7 days: Marriage

7 topics over the next 7 days.

I'm sharing my thoughts on 7 topics this week stemming from a conversation with some friends who say I'm too obtuse. So, I'll write a little something of my thoughts on these topics:

Government, Gender, Religion, Race, Marriage, Sex, and Culture

If you want to do the same... Just reply to this status update or share it with your answers and then tag a few people whom you'd want to see it and hopefully share their thoughts

Day 5: Marriage

I just watched the video in which the Ugandan security forces abducted Bobi Wine from the Entebbe airport before he could reportedly go and seek medical attention. As he was being dragged away, abhorrently so, he screamed out his wife’s name “Barbie. They want to kill me. No no. “Or something o that effect.

This chilling reminder of the regime we live under has caused ire in myself and in many Ugandans. But as a tangent, I saw a few people talk about that kind of love being rare. Bobi and Barbie are seen as the ride or die relationship that many people want. But it seems they seldom get.

An acquaintance of mine writing about the whole scene on her social media said her mother was startled at the kind of love Bobi has for Barbie. Like wow …This exists in grown men. Her mother was in disbelief about such a love existing, almost as if to say, “That’s icing on the cake” whereas her daughter seemed to suggest that a marriage lacking that is never one she’d stomach.

And yet , if the anecdotes are anything to go by, so many have settled. I don’t mean to say everyone marries for love even when love is the stated reason, but so many seem to be disillusioned with it. Yet every weekend we see yet another happy couple walk down the aisle. And aisle littered with people whose marriages are in trouble. Looking on as if to say..”I hope it works out. “

The foundation
My work mates often make fun of me for not being married. They will say I need to grow up and take a wife or that I’m running away from responsibility. As if being an adult that is single is somehow a way of gaming the system and getting away scot free from some societal tax called marriage. At the same time, some people ask me whether I don’t want to settle down or find a partner. “You don’t want to die alone” they say. Marriage is at once described as the cure for loneliness and the trial of lifetime.

It’s at once spoken of by those have said their “I do’s” with a matter of fact stance. They share anecdotes and stories about how difficult it is. We see movies, hear songs about, listen to sermons. Nothing is talked about more in the world than love, relationships and marriage. And yet when you deign to mention that you are familiar with it, the married come back with “You can’t know. You don’t know” ..Their lived experience is more important that your second hand information. Which is true, but that means all they know is their marriage and not any one else’s. In the same way they cannot know what it’s truly like to be single like I’m single even though they were. We’re different people. This argument is reductive yes, but it also highlights why getting married is at once very personal and universal. We can all extrapolate from our interactions what it might feel like to be in a certain type of marriage. Perhaps my not taking the plunge yet might be seen as an indictment on the relationships of the people in my life.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. I admire people who make a commitment to another person. These commitments are the building blocks of our shared lives. People say the individual is the smallest unit of a society, but I think it’s actually a family (not just marriage because I think families can arise without marriage but cannot rise without commitment of some sort). It’s a beautiful thing to voluntarily choose to spend the one life you have in service or in partnership with another person. Now just because it’s great doesn’t mean it’s for everybody and that we should nudge and prod people into doing it because it’s beauty is matched by its ability to bring sorrow on the people who are in the commitment, to their loved ones and unfortunately to their offspring, should they have any. Any child of a broken home will tell you, it takes a lifetime to undo the hurts caused by coming to learn about the world from people who are miserable.

To borrow the title of a great book..”I will marry when I want”…I’ll add , if I don’t, don’t assume it’s a sad outcome.

Square pegs in a round world

Monogamy. Polygamy. Polyamory. Arranged. Traditional/ cultural. Same sex. Asexual. You name it. When people talk about marriage, they usually refer to the traditional man and woman union. But this normal is also relative. If we’re in certain parts of the country, the normal is a very patriarchal view of the husband being catered to and the wife bring submissive to the husband and potentially one of many wives. In other areas, marriage is a result of love and a free partnership of equals. No one is the head, no one is the tail.

Try this experiment; if you’re lucky enough to still have your grandparents around, go ask them what marriage is. Then go ask their children, your parents and then see what you think about marriage. In just 3 generations, I can also guarantee that the views of what marriage is supposed to be have changed. In the US in 1996 about 30% of people were in favor of same sex marriage. In 2017, that number was about 62%.

What is normal is never static. Nowhere is this more visible than in our most intimate relationships. My grandmother was devoted to her husband to a degree that she accepted when he had children by other women. My other grandfather never dared do such a thing. Both pairs expressed happiness and satisfaction with their marriages. But who really knows. They lived in a world with clear cut roles and gave us a legacy of understanding who does what in the home. The needs and biological bases for those assigned roles haven’t changed but the way we live has. No longer are women resigned to the kitchen, the bedroom and the garden. No longer is it acceptable for their choices and voices to be silenced like children are told to quiet down. These changes mean what marriage is has to change.

The tradeoffs and relationships have to change. Right now, there’s a funny mix where some men feel left out. They’re still expected to perform traditional roles, but their partners aren’t doing theirs. They haven’t realized that everything is now up for negotiation. They’d do well to not just do what they think a man is supposed to do but ask why and what really is needed. These changes are difficult, and we scarcely talk about them except by way of crying about the good ole days. Well, nostalgia is a tricky thing. It can make you remember things the way they never were to begin with. The same way great strides towards equality are being made and an unshackling of the weight of societal demands on women is thankfully happening, men too need to see this as a chance to question and unburden themselves. Not to then be carefree and wanton, but to now sit as equals with their partners and decide what kind of arrangement they want. (I’ve spoke mainly about hetero marriage because it’s what I know about, but I’d presume that the same equal openness and discussion applies to marriages of the same gender and non-gendered people)

Responsibility and freedom

One of the biggest things I learned as a young adult was that happiness is not permanent but is a result of doing the right thing. It’s impossible to divorce (unintended pun, I swear!) feeling good from doing good. To those happily or not so happily married who think of this fantastic single hedonistic life they might be missing out on, um no. That’s an image that might not be as true as you think. Adulthood is realizing that taking on challenges is the true pathway to fulfilment and becoming the kind of person that can live well in society and more importantly, the kind of person that can live at peace with themselves. And truth be told, there’s a lot of stuff to do. Before you get married, your world is a little bigger. Your circle of concern is a little broader. Social issues, entrepreneurship, taking care of extended family all these are things single people do. It’s not ducking responsibility to not make a marriage commitment and have kids. It’s just a different choice on the kinds of sacrifices that person is willing to make.
Everyday I hear people say marriage is outdated or that married people live lives full of illusions. Or that they settled. Well the same is true for many single people who may try to equate pleasure with happiness and so can scarcely be home and sit still. Or that settle for relationships that never allow them to fully explore all they want to from genuine connection with another human being. Isn’t that settling. Single people settle for a lot. They just don’t have a partner they can blame their unhappiness on. Whatever the path you choose, make sure you choose it and you’re not just floating along on what society is telling you to do. They won’t be there when the shit hits the fan.

Also also…Please know that I may never ever attend your wedding meetings ..I’ll contribute if only you threaten to invite me even. Please for God’s sake. There’s no prize for biggest wedding my friends. Eh, we have vpns to pay for. Ok bye

Happy Friday friends

Tomorrow, second last….something I hope you get this weekend…SEX










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