The Hitlist: D-BAGS

Douchebag definition brought to you by Urban dictionary.com

The term "douchebag" generally refers to a male with a certain combination of obnoxious characteristics related to attitude, social ineptitude, public behavior, or outward presentation. Though the common douchebag thinks he is accepted by the people around him, most of his peers dislike him. He has an inflated sense of self-worth, compounded by a lack of social grace and self-awareness. He behaves inappropriately in public, yet is completely ignorant to how pathetic he appears to others. In the show, New Girl, 4 roommates that share a loft decide to have a tip jar set out where whenever someone says something that falls into the category of things a douche would say, said culprit must place a dollar into the jar. It's a great comedic device and one I just may employ in my every day life.  I have come to loathe a few people. Loathe I say.People that make me wish that abused animals from a travelling circus would escape and run them far into the outskirts of town never to be heard from again. Or at least in the wasteland that is Kalerwe during the rainy season. Anything such that I never have to see them again.  Why do i loathe these people you ask?Well, some because they make me feel unhappy about myself but most just stupefy me, they seem to exist in a reality all their won with no self awareness whatsoever  They are probably good upstanding citizens who pay their taxes, and say things like "Good morning" and "God bless" to homeless people while they feed them and help them update their resumes for work.  They are steal D bags. The kind of guys that make me shiver in disbelief.  That is why I must tear them a new one. I have made a list and will hire at once a crack team of killer ninja assassin commandos(because Killer ninja assassin is not enough;they need to be commandos too) So to any KNAC's out there I'm making this list for you. do the needful and I promise you a handsome reward The "I'm going to give you unsolicited advice" guy This is that guy that feels like he has to help you out with the latest tips on how to make your money grow and work for you, or what the right way to dress is to attract women or even how to balance your pants to get that perfect spot in between Lil Wayne wannabe and guy that has just lost weight and needs smaller trousers. . If said advice were solicited and if the  solicited were a professional money manager or style guru with his own show on the E network   it would be one thing, but usually this guy just chips in with anecdotes and implications that you have no idea what the right kind of taste you should have. This is always pointed out to you in front of a crowd for good measure. Hope you choke on a designer scarf D bag. The guy that has to one up every one else's story You finish telling an awesome story. People are in tears, men are hi-fiving you and women are swooning harder than they've ever swooned before. As you bask int he glow of your story, you hear him clear his throat, interrupting the current flow of praises coming your way. He throws his arms around as if to say, "you think that story was funny. You hear this". It doesn't stop at funny stories either. This sorry excuse for a man also feels the need to be the poorest person at the table when people are talking about how hard their lives used to be. He has a whole bag full of stories about how his house was so small that putting a key in the door was dangerous as you could stab someone sitting in the bedroom. Telling stories about terrible ex-girlfriends, well he has one about the one that punched his mother in the face and burned his clothes because he didn't say Bless you when she sneezed. Die D-BAG The "test your manhood"  guy  Hey man, how many push ups can you do?Have you slept with that chic yet..gwe don't be such a weak guy?What's that stuff mbu she's waiting for marriage?Beera mu class nawe. Why are you wearing a sweater, you gay man? All these and more gems come out of this guy like he has been given a mission from above to be the standard for manhood and he is going to exercise his right to test every guy so help him god. this is also the guy that will mock any accomplishment you've made just to make himself seem that much better. Neanderthal..Die D-Bag. The Religious conservative loudmouth guy I may not be religious, but many friends are and most are cool, nice , caring people. Then there is this walking piece of toe jam that just uses all sots of buzz words and topics to make people uncomfortable by evangelizing and letting us know how the world would be soo much better if we all believed in exactly the same g=god and way of life as he does. Rarely will logic break through the very thick cloud of misinformation and self righteousness that surrounds this guy. He is a puritan; if by puritan you mean someone who is always annoyed that someone somewhere may be having fun and is unaware that they will soon be burning in hell!!See Martin Ssempa for reference. The super athletic guy This is the guy that wakes up at 5.am to go for a swim in the pool and gets out just in time for us to see him as we wake up to grab a fatty breakfast and a coffee. The guy that when he goes running has all the gear, the visors, the shoes and a heart monitor. Being fit is great, but there's a certain amount of pride they take in it that is just unnecessary especially given that the whole point is to get fit for your sake, not to feel superior to others. also stop wearing your little sister's shirts, they're too small for you..or maybe that's the point The Rich guy This is not a bad guy per say, just terribly out of touch. He just can't seem to understand why we don't want to go out to lunch at Serena every week, or why we need advance notice and time to save up before going on that road trip to Jinja. It's no crime to be well off, but also know your audience  don't chew caviar in the presence of us nsenene Easters and then ask us what we're doing eating such disgusting foods for. Hope you stub your big toe on your BMW X6. And the most annoying,;- The Nice guy Douche There's nothing that is quite as lukewarm as being referred to as a nice guy by the opposite sex. I mean just check out what the word Nice used to mean -it evolved from being foolish, careless and clumsy to delicate, thoughtful and gasp, agreeable. It actually is a vague term referring to a form of agreeableness. that's why it's death knell for a guy to be that guy. That guy who bends over backwards for a lady and is then taken advantage of. The dude that ends up in a friend zone because he is busy listening to a girl's problems and never making the moves when he really wants to. This guy gives us a bad name, and he turns into some sort of sexless creature to which the rest of us are compared to when being confronted about our lack of interest in going shopping with our lady or how we barely feign our interest in her stories about "that bitch at work" now and then. I'm all for being a sensitive guy, but still there is a line crossed when all you are known for is nice!!Like a harmless puppy..who we ravenous wolves have to be compared to. May you forever be friend zoned till you grow some cajones and break free!!!